Advocating for Yourself

May 17

Episode Summary

When I was in my early 20’s, I was learning how to speak up for myself, and I was very bad at it. I would almost always prefer to just shove my feelings down and be a little uncomfy than speak up and potentially rock the boat and deal with an uncomfortable conversation. I learned how to do it though, and this is the story of the first time I remember standing up for myself as an adult.

What Dylan’s life was like when we first started dating (00:50)
How Gordon Ramsey taught me to ask for what I need (5:01)
When I realized that this experience was the first time I really advocated for myself (7:17)
How this whole experience affects my life now (9:15)

Thanks for listening to Not So Ladylike! If we aren’t already, I’d love to be friends on Instagram – you can find me @EleanorElaineBoudoir. And before you go, I’d be so appreciative if you’d leave a five star review wherever you listen to podcasts and tell a friend about today’s episode! Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.

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Episode Extras

Transcription

When Dylan and I first started dating, I would stay the night at his apartment quite a bit. I'm talking like four nights a week, quite a bit. And if you've been there too, then you know you're kind of at the mercy of that other person's bedtime routine in the beginning. And at this point in our relationship, I was still trying to get a feel for how he liked his life to go. And he was also a boy in his early 20s, so he didn't have a super robust routine. And at this point in my life, I wasn't yet super comfortable speaking up for myself when I wanted or needed something. I'm Eleanor Elaine and you're listening to Not So Ladylike.

(00:50) So let me set the scene for you. He had just moved into this apartment not too long before we started dating, so he was still rocking with the mattress and TV on the floor, like, bachelor pad style. So I spend the night. We're eating some snacks, watching a show. I think it was a Gordon Ramsay show. And so we're watching that when angel baby Dylan falls asleep on me, and I'm over here thinking, ugh, how cute is he? But then after a while my eyes start getting tired and I start thinking like, I don't sleep with the TV on. I like the room like a cave, like, cold and as dark as possible and dead quiet. So having the TV on with Mr. Ramsey hollering about underseasoned chicken in the background was not quite the vibe for me. But I just left the TV on because I wasn't ready to potentially rock the boat and I would just eventually fall asleep.

(1:42) But this unfortunate cycle went on and on and on. Now, this might be a point where you're asking yourself, Ellie, why didn't you just turn the TV off? And dear listener, that is an excellent question that I do not have the answer for. I have always been pretty self-assured, but in situations like these, like interpersonal one-on-one situations like this, I find myself being like so nervous about… not confrontation, but just like I said, just like potentially rocking the boat. And for some reason, historically speaking, I would rather make myself a little bit uncomfortable than have to like, inconvenience someone else. This may be something to bring up in therapy, but regardless, this unfortunate cycle of watching Gordon Ramsay with the lights off, Dylan falls asleep, I have to deal, goes on and on and on. So we get into bed, we turn off the lights, we turn on the TV, to this same episode of Gordon Ramsay at this one Southwestern restaurant. Dylan falls asleep and I’m left trying my hardest to sleep with blue light flooding the room and shouts about salsa ringing in my ears. The remote is on his side of the bed and I can't bring myself to either A. tap him and ask him to turn it off or B. just do it myself. Even though I’m psyching myself up – you’re an adult woman, you can turn the TV off if you want to, he's not going to get mad at you, he's not going to be upset, he's going to continue sleeping. This man is dead to the world. It does not matter. But yet, somehow I can't do it.

(3:23) And every night, Dylan would restart this same episode because he hadn't seen it. He'd seen the backs of his eyelids. So one night, I'm like really, really struggling to sleep, and I start giving myself that little pep talk. I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna turn the TV down. I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna walk over to his side of the bed, grab the remote, turn the TV down. I didn't even want to turn it off because I was afraid that would disrupt him, like he was a sleeping bear or something. I was like, I'm just gonna turn it down a little bit so that I can sleep better. Because I like all of my volumes on everything super low. For some reason there's something that I have with noise that I just get overwhelmed and overstimulated with too many noises or noises that are like, too loud. I need them low. Dylan likes his volume at a normal level and when you're trying to go to sleep, a normal level in my mind is like monster truck rally level. It's much too much. So I'm giving myself this pep talk and I finally will myself to get up and turn the TV down. And everyone stood up and clapped. LOL So I turn the TV down and get back in bed and I just off to sleep a little more peacefully than the hundred nights before. And I wake up and I'm like, you're a boss. But it still wasn't what I wanted. I wanted the TV to be off. And keep in mind, during all of this, I didn't even tell Dylan that I was struggling to sleep, that I wanted the TV to be lower, that I wanted the TV to be off. I didn't tell him any of this. He had no idea that I was struggling.

(5:01) So the next night, we start the scenario over again. We get into bed, we turn the lights off, Dylan turns on the TV to the same episode of Gordon Ramsay at the Southwestern Restaurant, and I couldn't help but laugh out loud because at this point it feels like I'm living some sort of Saturday Night Live skit. And Dylan looks over at me and he asks why I'm laughing, and I finally had to tell him that I've seen this episode and the three episodes following every night for a week because he always falls asleep during this episode, and that I don't know what to do because I don't want to interrupt his routine if he sleeps with the TV on, but that I just can't handle it anymore. It was one of those things where like something so small and minute just builds and builds and builds until finally you explode. And I wasn't mad and I wasn't upset. I was just like, I've shoved this down for a week and this is the most hilarious thing that could be happening to me right now. And he of course told me that I could turn it off if he falls asleep. And he was like, why haven't you said something sooner? And I think in my mind, obviously thinking like, if this is bothering you so much, why didn't you just do something about it or tell me? And so that kind of lit a light bulb for me. And I was like, thinking to myself, why haven't I said something sooner? I've been stuck in Gordon Ramsay Groundhog Day hell, and I didn't even mention that it was messing with my sleep or that I've seen this episode a dozen times. I'm just over here suffering in silence so I wouldn't potentially bother him or disrupt his lackluster nightly routine. And so I have this whole like, internal conversation with myself after this of like, what was I so afraid of happening? Why didn't I want to turn the TV off? He wouldn't have even noticed. And I think part of that is like, we just didn't know each other incredibly well at this point. And at this time in my life, I was super closed off. It was really hard for me to let people in. And Dylan can attest, I was like ice queen when we first met. I had the tallest walls up. And so I think part of it was like, I didn't wanna have an uncomfortable conversation or like a potentially uncomfortable conversation. And I also wasn't comfortable like articulating my needs.

(7:17) And so after we got engaged, I'm like reflecting about our relationship and thinking about all the things that we shared and all the memories we have. And of course this one came to mind. And I realized that this was one of the first times that I advocated for myself like this. And again, you know, maybe this says something about my inner child that I need to bring up in therapy, most likely. But I had this realization that doing something as simple as asking to turn off the TV at night was me very clearly advocating for myself. I find it so easy to advocate for other people and to stand up for other people, but I had struggled to do the same for myself. And through this experience, I learned the power that advocating for yourself holds. Shout out Gordon Ramsay at this shitty Southwestern restaurant. I think it was like,… hold please, I'm gonna do a quick Goog. You know what, I think it was 24 Hours to Hell and Back where he like drives the bus and they have 24 hours to turn a restaurant around. (editor’s note: it was Kitchen Nightmares lmao)

(8:19) Anyway, clearly expressing my needs and desires took a whole lot of practice and in my opinion, it's definitely a learned skill, especially for me, and it's something that I still have to work on. It's something that I had to figure out how to do and how to feel good about. And even those times when I do advocate for myself and it feels a little uncomfy, I think it's just so much more ideal than pushing my feelings down until I explode from the pressure I've created. It reminds me of that scene in Encanto where, I don't remember the character's name, but she's like the strong older sister and she just like has to carry the weight of everything and she talks about like the pressure of it all. And that is just so relatable to me even though in this scenario no one was mad, there wasn't a fight, no one was upset, it was just like this funny thing that kept happening to me because I I wouldn't just say that it was annoying.

(9:15) Now, I definitely prefer speaking up for myself and asking for what I want and need. And over time, building that skill, now it's a muscle that I don't hesitate to flex. And I even see it show up in like, not just advocating for myself, but asking for what I need. Dylan and I do this thing where if one of us is up and in the kitchen and the other one is in the living room, we ask if we can get the other person anything. And I think this is like common courtesy when you're sharing a household. And I used to say no all the time because I didn't want to ask him for something, I didn't want to inconvenience him. Again, I think this is like the strong older sister vibes where it's like, I just try to be so independent and so self-sufficient. And I try not to need anything from anyone at any point in time. And finally I started, like, asking him for things. Just like, yeah can you fill up my water bottle for me? And this kind of pains me to admit because I think through Instagram and parasocial relationships online I think that I can be seen as this like strong, independent, confident kind of person where you wouldn’t think me asking Dylan to fill up my water bottle would be anything at all but it makes me feel a little bit guilty? Even though I’m more than happy to do things for him and I’m more than happy to bring him a drink or a snack when I’m in the kitchen. But for some reason, when I ask him to do it for me I feel bad that I didn’t do it for myself. Which is like, so strange and so weird to say out loud like that, but I think that kinda goes hand in hand with advocating for myself – like asking for things that I need.

(11:02) And all of that is, like I said, a skill that I still work on and that I’m still trying to build because clearly your girl needs to practice and your girl has work to do. BUT whether it’s something as small as turning the TV off when you go to sleep or standing up for yourself at work and advocating for yourself to get a raise, or you know, whatever the case may be, I think it’s so important to be your own biggest advocate and to stand up for yourself when you need to.