Why Being “Good” Was Never the Goal
As women, we're taught to put everyone else's comfort and happiness before our own.
From the moment we’re born, we’re conditioned to be good girls: to be quiet, obedient, nice, and submissive. Oftentimes this leads to an adulthood of stifling our thoughts and opinions, dimming our intelligence or our intuition to preserve the feelings of everyone around us.
And that’s the societal expectation. We’re expected to uphold those expectations placed upon us by putting our own wants and needs on the back burner. To sacrifice ourselves to take care of everyone around us.
But then who takes care of us?
I have to be honest. I don't see any value in putting myself last on my list of priorities and I don't want to be a martyr. I don’t aspire to be a “good girl” and I don’t exist to be a cardboard cutout of the perfect wife, mother, sister, daughter in someone else’s story. Because my life and my story is just as valuable and worth living and exploring to the fullest. I’m not a placeholder and neither are you.
So it may be controversial, but I'm actively choosing not to put myself last.
I will not be the person who bends over backwards, contorting myself to fit into the box of someone else's expectations of me.
I simply won’t. If that makes me a bitch or the bad guy in someone’s story–because I didn’t perfectly align to the expectations placed upon me–then so be it. And this may be controversial too, but that’s actually none of my business. Other people’s thoughts and opinions about me are all theirs. I don’t have to take those on or change who I am and how I live my life because it might garner more approval from someone else.
And I've seen how women’s self sacrifice plays out, and I want no part in it.
For example: I've seen women cook meals for their families, working in the kitchen all day to prepare a nice dinner. And when the food is finished, I’ve watched them serve themselves last, finally sitting down at the table to eat while the first served have already cleaned their plate and are ready to go back for seconds. This may seem inconsequential to some, or like it’s not that big of a deal, but I see a woman’s labor not being respected or valued.
Why am I choosing to actively push back against allllll of those societal expectations?
Because my comfort and happiness is just as important as anyone else's.
And I don’t think that’s a radical idea! My desires, my needs, my thoughts, my time, and my life are no less valuable than anyone else's. I don't exist just to fulfill other's expectations of what a good [insert title here] should be or do.
Now, this isn't to say that I think you should cancel all your plans and never do anything for anyone else or that you shouldn't ever stretch your comfort zone. Part of being in community with people is being a villager and being willing to give your time and energy to support the people in your circle. But you deserve to prioritize yourself just as much as you prioritize others.
Why do we feel like it makes us a bad sister, friend, wife, daughter, or mother if we put ourselves first?
It's not selfish or unkind, and I'd even venture to say that it's a loving thing to do. Not only for yourself, but for those around you. It’s an act of love because not only are you doing what you need to do to be the most aligned version of yourself which leads to feeling more fulfilled and able to show up in your life in the way you truly want to, but also because you’re able to show up better for the people you love too. AND you’re modeling what prioritizing and advocating for yourself looks like to everyone who needs to see that. (I think this especially matters if you have daughters!)
Mull this one over: Are you the best version of yourself when you're running on fumes? Or feeling resentful? Or hungry? Or feeling overwhelmed?
I'd bet the answer is no because I know I'm not the best version of myself when my reservoir is empty. (or when I'm feeling a little peckish lol) You know the old saying: you can't pour from an empty cup.
Or the more modern version: put on your own oxygen mask first before assisting others.
Because if you pass out because you can't breathe, you can't help anyone around you and now you need someone to help you too. And that same principle applies to prioritizing yourself. Put on your own oxygen mask first. Pour into your own cup first. I know we all have responsibilities, people who depend on us, bills to pay, chores to take care of, yadda yadda yadda. The list could go on forever, but you can't do it all, and you can't do it with nothing in the tank.
You're worthy of your own time and attention too.
