The Power of Advocating for Yourself – Evansville Indiana Boudoir Photographer

When Dylan and I first started dating, I would stay the night as his apartment quiteeee a bit. And if you’ve been there too, then you know that you’re kinda at the mercy of that person’s bedtime routine in the beginning and at this time in our relationship, I was still trying to get a feel for how he liked his life to go. He was also a boy in his early 20’s so he didn’t have a super robust routine.

At this point in my life, I wasn’t super comfortable speaking up for myself when I wanted something.

To set the scene for you, he had just moved in not too long before this, so he was rockin’ the mattress and TV on the floor – bachelor pad style. So I spend the night, we’re getting ready to go to bed and watching some Gordon Ramsey show when angel baby Dylan falls asleep. And I’m thinking, how cute is he? But then after a while I’m getting tired and I start thinking… I don’t sleep with the TV on. I like the room like a cave: cold, as dark as possible, and dead quiet. So having the TV on with Mr. Ramsey hollering about under-seasoned chicken wasn’t quite the vibe for me.

But I just left it on because I wasn’t ready to potentially rock the boat, and would eventually fall asleep.

This unfortunate cycle went on for about a week.

We get into bed, turn off the lights and turn on the TV to this episode of Gordon Ramsey at this one southwestern restaurant. Dylan falls asleep, and I’m left trying my hardest to sleep with blue light flooding the room and shouts about salsa ringing in my ears. The remote is on his side of the bed, and I can’t bring myself to either a) ask him to turn it off or b) just do it myself.

Finally after what seemed like 100 days of watching this same episode every night (which Dylan would restart because he hadn’t seen it… he’d seen the backs of his eyelids) I was really struggling to sleep one night, so I gave myself a pep talk before getting up and turning the TV down. And I drifted off to sleep a little more peacefully than the night before. I felt like a boss, but it still wasn’t what I wanted and I didn’t even tell Dylan that I had been struggling to sleep.

The next night, we started this scenario over again.

We get into bed, turn off the lights and turn on the TV to this same episode of Gordon Ramsey at the southwestern restaurant. I couldn’t help but laugh about it because at this point it feels like some sort of Saturday Night Live skit. Dylan asks why I’m laughing and I had to tell him that I’ve seen this entire episode (and the three episodes following this one) every night for a week because he always falls asleep and then idk what to do because I didn’t wanna interrupt his routine if he sleeps with the TV on but I couldn’t handle it anymore.

He told me that of course I could turn it off if he falls asleep, and asked me why I hadn’t said something sooner.

And I thought to myself… why *haven’t* I said something sooner? I’ve been stuck in Gordon Ramsey Groundhog Day, and didn’t even mention that it was messing with my sleep or that I watched this episode a dozen times. I’ve just suffered in silence so I wouldn’t potentially bother him or disrupt his lackluster nightly routine.

And it was while reflecting about our relationship after we got engaged that I realized this was one of the first times I advocated for myself like this.

Now maybe this says something about my inner child that I should bring up in therapy, but I had this realization that doing something as simple as asking to turn off the TV at night was me clearly advocating for myself. I find it so easy to advocate for other people, but had struggled to do the same for myself, and through this I learned the power that advocating for yourself holds.

Clearly expressing my needs and desires took practice, and is definitely a learned skill for me! It was something I had to figure out how to do and feel good about, and something I still work on. Even those times when it feels a little uncomfy, it’s much more ideal than pushing my feelings down until I explode from the pressure I’ve created. I definitely prefer speaking up for myself and asking for what I want and need – and now it’s a muscle I don’t hesitate to flex.

photos of me by Aurie Janae Photography | @boudoirbyaur

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