My Journey with Self-Confidence and Body Image — Evansville Indiana Boudoir Photographer
This post was written in March 2020. & I want to offer a content warning that I will be talking about body image, weight, and my journey with self-confidence and my own thoughts about my body throughout the years, so please continue with discretion if those topics are sensitive for you.
Ever since I was young, I’ve seen movies and tv shows about girls and women in high school and college being super fit, popular, and most of all - hot. These women were desirable, had tons of friends, and looked like they ruled the world. This was absolutely not what my first year of college was like, and I felt like I wasn’t doing something right. Gaining the freshman 15 was the last thing I wanted. I’m not super athletic, I love bread and cake, and I desperately wanted a flat stomach. I wanted to look like the people I saw in magazines, on social media, and I wasn’t sure I ever would look like that. Throughout my first year of college, I gained the freshman 15 and some stretch marks, and I was SO disappointed. My stomach has never been flat, since I was 14 or so, but after that first year I had more of a little pooch and was feeling super down on myself.
Then I went through a really tough breakup the summer before my junior year. I was so heartbroken and ended up losing a bunch of weight, dropping a couple pants sizes, and was so happy to have gotten my “high school body” back. I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt so good about myself… most of the time. Though I fit into my favorite jeans again, and remember that time being so great, there are still memories there of me not feeling good about my body for whatever reason my brain made up. Not to mention that almost all the photos I have from that time in my life have been photoshopped, because I was struggling with wanting to appear “perfect” online to impress people. Those photos that I look back on don’t show what I actually looked like during those years.
Throughout my senior year and up until now, more than a year post graduation, I’ve been steadily gaining weight again. Since I got my IUD placed in 2019, I’ve gained about 25 lbs. I tried a lot of things to feel better about my appearance. I went to the gym, but when I wasn’t seeing progress quickly enough I quit. I stopped drinking sodas, I bought more veggies instead of chips, but nothing was making me feel better about myself. That’s when I realized that I was wishing for a body I had when I was 18. but I would never want to be 18 again. I had to come to terms with the fact that growth doesn’t just stop when you turn 18 and you magically become an adult, and I’ve realized that I have to get acquainted with my adult body.
I’ve realized that your body isn’t supposed to stay the same your whole life.
Bodies change and grow and it’s inevitable that your weight will fluctuate throughout your life, and that’s okay. I could live my life in restriction, but then I wouldn’t fully enjoy my life. Whether I’m a size 8 or a size 14, I can still run and jump and stretch, so what’s my problem? I could be that smaller version of myself again, but what would I be sacrificing? I wouldn’t be able to fully enjoy sharing dessert and drinks with my best friend, wings and cheese fries with my boyfriend, or time with my loved ones.
Not only that, but what happens the next time I gain weight?
The truth is, I’ll feel like shit again because I didn’t work on my mindset. The fact is that no one but me cares about how many pounds I’m carrying around on my body. The most important thing is working on your mindset so that no matter what you look like, you feel at peace and at home in your body. You have so many important things to do, spending time thinking about your body isn’t a good use of your time.
All that to be said though, I still have days here and there when I feel down on myself and don’t love my appearance, and that’s okay. I don’t expect to love my body every day, but that’s not my goal. My goal is just to accept my body, and I’m getting there. On those days I just try to put on clothes I feel good in and go do my shit, because no one is judging my body the way that I am. I have to remind myself that I’m more than my appearance or my weight. I have so much more to offer the world far beyond my body. I’m strong. I’m resilient. I’m funny as hell. I’m smart. I’m a hard worker. I’m so so so much more than whatever number appears on the scale.
It can be so hard to change your mindset, especially around our bodies because it (unfortunately) affects our self confidence because it’s so ingrained in us to want to be pretty and thin and desirable, and that’s where our value lies. BUT THAT SUCKS. (and it’s total bullshit.)
